


FEARS: REDACTED

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Coming of Age, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Growing Up, Light Angst, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:55:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27637850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: A story about a boy coming to terms with things he has been afraid of while growing up.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 2
Kudos: 35





	FEARS: REDACTED

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kairc](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kairc/gifts).



> Hi ree! thank you for approaching me with this pair and idea, i've always wanted to write a fic about iwaoi and for it to be based on Ribs by Lorde?? truly a god tier song that goes so well with their dynamics. i had fun writing this, so i hope you'll like it!
> 
> to readers, listen to [**Ribs by Lorde**](https://open.spotify.com/track/0TEekvXTomKt3hdXDZxxeW?si=UYYX5Tk3RU2lmOYfdPDxbg) for optimal experience.
> 
>  **content warning** : brief descriptions of loneliness in 015

**** We can talk it so good  
We can make it so divine  
We can talk it good  
How you wish it would be all the time

\----

**002**

“Hey, Iwa-chan.” Oikawa says as they sit on the tree branch in Iwaizumi’s backyard, admiring the setting sun from afar. “What are your fears?”

“Fears?” Iwaizumi asks after removing the blue popsicle from his mouth.

“Yeah, those that make the hairs on your arms and legs stand up. Like, how you felt when you watched that horror film with me.”

“Hmm,” He begins. “I guess ghosts and my parents getting angry at me.” He finally says.

“Oh. We’re the same with the last one. I’m scared of getting lost.” Oikawa admits. “I got lost one time, my mom told me. I cried hard, she said.”

Iwaizumi stands on the tree branch and puts his hands at his hips. “Don’t worry, Oikawa! You’ll never get lost when you’re with me!” He proclaims.

Oikawa smiles big and laughs. “Okay!”

They go down the tree, with a promise of closeness that would transcend the test of time.

**012**

Practice is finally over, and the two of them are on the stairs drinking water, basking in the silence built by exhaustion and another training session gone well. Just then, Oikawa tugs on Iwaizumi’s shirt.

“Why?” Iwaizumi asks.

“Are you still afraid of ghosts and your parents getting mad at you?” He suddenly asks.

“Huh?”

“Your fears.”

“That came out of the blue. Why did you ask?”

“No reason, just answer the question.”

Iwaizumi thinks again. His fears had accumulated, already including a fear of getting scolded by the coach, of heights, of losing a parent, a friend, of accidents. It has also dawned on him that Oikawa has a life of his own, that he has existed before and outside this friendship of theirs, and frankly, that scares him, the possibility of separation. But of course, he’d never tell Oikawa this.

He simply answers, “Yeah, and a lot more. But I won’t tell you all of them.”

Unlike his normal prying self, Oikawa nods. “I understand. Same here, I’ve got another fear.”

“Huh?” Iwaizumi responds, surprised at the dull response.

Oikawa stands up. “Quick, let’s go back. I think coach is already calling us.” He says.

Iwaizumi doesn’t question this, and walks back with Oikawa inside the gym.

In a few weeks, Iwaizumi will learn what Oikawa meant, and had hoped that he knew it earlier before Oikawa tried to slap an underclassman, and before he lunged forward and crashed his head against Oikawa’s nose. He didn’t outright tell him this fear of his, but just like before, Iwaizumi promises at the back of his mind that he will never let Oikawa lose his way again. It’s painful, seeing him doubt himself and hurt everyone around him including himself. Which is why it will be better if Iwaizumi stays beside him. Yeah, that’s the reason. Nothing else. 

**018**

It is a quiet bus ride home. Oikawa sits alone, while Iwaizumi sits behind him. He rests his elbow by the window, admiring the scenery as they pass by the fields on their way home to Seijoh. Once again, the ball dropped on their side, with the winning point going to Shiratorizawa. They trained hard, spiked harder, but it was not enough to snatch the crown from Ushiwaka. 

After the debriefing and short training with the team, Iwaizumi packs his bag and leaves the clubroom. Just then, he hears balls slamming against the wooden floors, as well as balls hitting the net. He can imagine the image that was waiting for him inside the gym, and his guess turns out to be correct. Oikawa swung his arm back with such force, the contact between his palm and the ball felt like lightning. Iwaizumi stands by the entrance, watching his partner serve after serve, after serve. After he finds Oikawa panting with his hands on his knees, he walks closer and hands him a towel. Oikawa looks up with reddened eyes.

“Take a break.” Iwaizumi orders him.

“Just one more.” Oikawa pushes his hand away.

“Don’t make me head butt you again, Oikawa.” Iwaizumi threatens. Oikawa finally listens and they sit on the bench at the side of the net.

As they sit beside each other, exchanging minimal conversation, a thought comes across Iwaizumi’s mind. Oikawa has not said anything more than two words, and that is frightening. He gathers courage and opens his mouth.

“Are you afraid?” Iwaizumi asks. “Of losing? Of not going to nationals?”

Oikawa looks at him with so much fatigue. 

“It’s not just that.” He says. “I’m afraid we’ve been working hard for nothing.”

Iwaizumi nods. He understands and has the same fear. Throughout the years, his fears just increased, becoming more absurd and absurd, but at that time it was worth everything. 

“I feel like we weren’t working hard enough. But that isn’t fair because everyone  _ is _ working extremely hard for us to go to Nationals. It’s just-” He sighs. “I wish I wasn’t this weak.”

“You’re not weak, Oikawa.” Iwaizumi replies. He meant it even outside of volleyball.

“There’s a reason why everyone looks up to you, even our opponents look up to you. You’re not a captain for nothing.”

“It’s hard to see that when nothing goes your way.” Oikawa sighs.

Iwaizumi stays silent, trying to find ways to cheer him up.

“Help me practice my spikes.” Iwaizumi whispers. 

“What?”

“Set for me.” Iwaizumi says.

“You want me to practice with you? Are you sick?” Oikawa asks with widened eyes, almost putting his palm on Iwaizumi’s forehead. He slaps it away.

“I’m trying to cheer you up, dumbass. Will you help me or not?” Iwaizumi snaps, his cheeks turning a shade darker.

Oikawa, within seconds, begins to laugh. He clutches his stomach and falls to his side, even wiping the corner of his eyes.

He nods, of course he would, and holds out his hand for Iwaizumi to take. He does and he leads him near the net. They practice for a while, and they go home together after that with renewed hope.

In the end, however, Iwaizumi is not afraid of being unable to go to Nationals with Oikawa. It has already been established as they bow to the cheering crowd. What terrifies him more, however, is the fact that he has to look at Oikawa’s face after the game, after losing to Karasuno, knowing that he couldn’t help him in the end. He promised him that he will never lose his way, he will always win as long as Iwaizumi was there. Iwaizumi did remain beside him, but this didn’t change anything. Iwaizumi remains afraid, and doesn’t even dare to look by Oikawa’s direction all throughout the trip home, even if he feels his stare behind his head. He can’t. Not now, not anytime soon.

**020**

Oikawa lays a picnic cloth by the side of the lake, and smoothes out the creases. He sits on one side and pats the opposite side. Iwaizumi sits beside him. They proceed to lie down, and admire the dark sky that could have been filled with more stars. Their hands are behind their heads, occasionally picking up a potato chip or two from the bag in the middle of them.

“What time’s your flight?” Oikawa asks.

“Three in the afternoon. You?” Iwaizumi says.

“Two hours earlier.” He replies. “We’re really leaving this place, huh.”

“Yeah, everything seems so unreal.”

Oikawa pushes himself up and looks at Iwaizumi. “Well, we’ve got dreams to fulfill, remember?” 

Iwaizumi smiles. “How could I forget?” 

Oikawa turns to Iwaizumi again, and Iwaizumi already knows what he is about to say.

“You’re still going to ask me for my fears?”

“Am I that readable?” He responds.

“I’m afraid I’ll get lost and they won’t understand my English.”

“That’s it?”

“I’m scared I’ll miss Japanese food so much.”

“What else?” Oikawa asks further.

“I’m scared I won’t feel at home there.” Iwaizumi admits.

“Then just call me.” Oikawa says. “We only have a five-hour difference. It won’t be that bad.”

Iwaizumi nods. “Alright.”

“But,” Oikawa begins again. “Are you really not going to tell me anything?”

Iwaizumi stays silent. Oikawa nods.

Separation has always alarmed Iwaizumi. Having grown up with Oikawa, it just didn’t feel right having different dreams, different countries to live in. It truly brings shivers down his spine, not just because he’s afraid Oikawa will forget their decade-long friendship, and spend the rest of his days enjoying the sport he has dedicated his life to, but also because he has come to the realization that he, in fact, needs Oikawa. His identity remains misplaced, blurred and unrecognizable, owing to the fact that he has always clinged on Oikawa for his sense of self. He never knew he would have to make this decision. He has known life with Oikawa, but here he is, about to spend more than a year without him by his side.

Reading his body language, Oikawa then moves the bag of chips to his side, reaches out and crosses his arm against Iwaizumi’s chest.  _ Something is wrong, _ it seemed to say. Iwaizumi in return puts his arm behind Oikawa, running his palm up and down.  _ I’ll just miss you, _ it seemed to respond. They stay like that for a while, somehow managing to even move a little bit closer. They have always had their own intimacy spilling over their actions, and touches such as these have already felt habitual. 

“I’ll miss you too, Hajime.” Oikawa whispers, his face pushed closer to Iwaizumi.

“You’ll always be with me, Tooru.” Iwaizumi truthfully says. He always will be. He  _ has _ to be. 

Iwaizumi closes his eyes and forgets his flight, forgets his scholarship, forgets having to grow up. He clutches Oikawa tighter, fearing that once he lets go, he won’t look back anymore. He’s afraid that the truth will come out and reveal itself in his most vulnerable state; that he needs Oikawa more than Oikawa needs him. And so he settles with this, cradling the boy he loves in his arms, laying in front of the stars that watch above them, absent of words. 

They leave the next day, and when Oikawa turns his back, passes the counter, he looks back by the glass window and mouths words Iwaizumi will never get tired of saying it back. They smile, with tears in their eyes. As he boards his flight, even just for a split second, Iwaizumi no longer feels afraid of anything. 

**015**

He’s in a foreign country, in an unfamiliar territory where he barely speaks their language. It’s a miracle how Iwaizumi has already spent more than a year in this, and yet he still fears for things and events that might occur. Getting lost, getting into fights, missing and failing a class, forgetting to speak English, and the list goes on. But most of all, there’s always the fear of loneliness, that deafening silence he experiences at the end of the day when he’s alone in his dorm room. It’s frightening, how it creeps from within, eating him alive, making it harder and harder for him to breathe. Sometimes, it just weighs him down, making him unable to even get through the day. Bad dreams will come knocking just a few hours after he has fallen asleep. He wakes up, panting and sweating, the emptiness just haunting him. And so, every morning at 6 o’clock, he dials up a number in Argentina. 

“Hey,” Oikawa greets.

“Hi,” Iwaizumi says. “How are you?”

“Good, Having lunch right now. You don’t sound well.” He quickly notes.

“Uh, nightmares.” He simply responds.

“You want me to talk about something else?”

“Please.”

And so he does. He talks about his day, his dreams that range from peculiar to hilarious, the kind ladies who always greet him in the morning. Iwaizumi’s heartbeat slows down, he learns how to laugh again. It has been an ordeal with them, these pure telephone conversations filled with Oikawa telling stories and Iwaizumi occasionally opening up about his classes, and new friends. Despite the distance, amity truly never falters between them. 

“A teammate of mine has this kid and she’s the cutest, but I saw her crying outside the locker room while her father consoled her.” 

“Why was she crying?” Iwaizumi asks him once he has finished washing the dishes.

“It’s hard to say, but I guess she was crying ‘cos she’ll have her birthday soon.”

“And that was sad because…”

“Maybe she doesn’t want to grow up? That’s my guess.”

“Huh.” Iwaizumi responds. 

“I mean I can relate to her.”

“Why? Were you ever afraid of growing up?”

Oikawa thinks on the other line. “Yeah, I was. I was afraid that I’ll lose things and people when I grow up, never seeing the beauty in them anymore.”

Iwaizumi thinks how they’re more alike than they think.

“How about you?”

“I was more afraid I’ll grow old without you by my side.” Iwaizumi finally says.

“Has distance made you sappy, Hajime?” Oikawa jokes.

“Shut up.” He replies. It was a good thing Oikawa wasn’t there to see his flushed face.

“Are you still afraid of that?” He asks.

“No,” Iwaizumi says. “Not anymore.”

“That’s good.” Oikawa cooes. “How about ghosts and your parents getting mad at you?”

“I’m hanging up, Tooru.”

  
  


**000**

“Hajime,” Oikawa calls him as they sit on their couch in their brand new apartment in Miyagi. “What are your fears?”

“Fears?” Iwaizumi asks as intertwines their fingers together, with his thumb rubbing the back of Oikawa’s hand.

“Yeah. You still got those?”

“Hmm,” He begins. He takes a look at their pictures together when Oikawa surprised him in California, when they flew back to Japan for the Olympics, when they took a picture during the Seijoh reunion. He turns back to Oikawa resting his head on his shoulders and smiles fondly.

He replies truthfully, and Oikawa, just like old times, agrees.

**Author's Note:**

> iwaoi ! i think they're just so neat and have been together for so long, they deserve a happy ending aaaa they're amazing. thank you again ree for asking me to write this. 
> 
> **side note** : the numbers in the beginning of each part are the number of fears iwaizumi had during that specific time in his life :>
> 
> Thank you for reading, hope y'all liked it! Comments and kudos are very much appreciated.
> 
> Let's chat on [twitter](https://twitter.com/sunatski) and/or [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/sunatski)


End file.
